1. Money cannot buy happiness but somehow, it’s more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes Benz than it is on a bicycle. 2. Forgive your enemy but remember the bastard’s name.. 3. Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again. 4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them. 5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.

-a memory was something that you lost with age
-an application was for employment
-a program was a TV show
-a cursor used profanity
-a keyword was a piano
-a web was a spider's home
-a virus was the flu
-a CD was a bank account
-a hard drive was long trip on the road
-a mouse pad was where a mouse lived
-and if you had a 31/2 inch floppy.. you just hoped nobody found out!

Thnx to PJ Rosenberg /http://www.losangeleswebstudio.com

Men Are Just Happier People --  What do you expect from such simple creatures?  Your last name stays put.  The garage is all yours.  Wedding plans take care of themselves.  Chocolate is just another snack.  You can be President.  You can never be pregnant.  You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.  You can wear NO shirt to a water park.  Car mechanics tell you the truth.  The world is your urinal.  You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.  You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.  Same work, more pay.  Wrinkles add character.  Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.  People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.  New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.   One mood all the time.   Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.  You know stuff about tanks.  A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.  You can open all your own jars.  You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.  If someone forgets to invite you,  He or she can still be your friend.   Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.  Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..  You almost never have strap problems in public.  You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..  Everything on your face stays its original color.  The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.  You only have to shave your face and neck.   You can play with toys all your life.  One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.  You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.  You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.  You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.   You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives  On December 24 in 25 minutes.  No wonder men are happier.

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building. So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. The 1st floor sign on the door reads: Floor 1: These men have jobs. The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2: These men have Jobs and Love Kids. The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3: These men have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads: Floor 4: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and help with Housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads: Floor 5: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads: Floor 6: You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. And ... To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street. The 1st first floor has wives that love sex. The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money. The 3rd,4th, 5th and 6th floors have never been visited.

A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.  With his skin already starting to blister and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.  The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, doctor'?  The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'